In the darkness

Daylight enters from a little window, decorated with coloured glass. You can hardly see it. The light in the place is very dim. I’m waiting by his door, sitting in the freezing floor. I’m somehow tired. It might’ve been the trip, you see, we live rather far from each other. Getting here is quite simple, but long. Walking, a bus, the underground, and walking once more, some stairs and there’s his door.

The place is rather quiet and anything can be heard. Suddenly I hear the sound of keys and the front door of the building opening. A ray of light from downstairs. My heart starts to beat faster. Yes, it may be him, coming from school. He may be disconcerted, for I wasn’t in school with him today. I’m really excited to see him; I want to see his reaction, the surprise…

I raise my head up, but it’s not him in there. It is one of his neighbors, and as I’m unnoticed by him, he continues going upstairs; I guess he comes from work, seems a very tired man.

As I know him, I guess he arrives home somehow late. He’s always wasting his time with us at school, he must be late to get here as well. It’s no big deal today, for his mom is going to be working all day, she’s been rather busy these days.

I continue waiting, and there’s the key sound again as well as the building’s main entrance door. The sun light enters and showers the floor and the walls downstairs, reflecting its glow in the stairs. You know, my friends are always joking about it, when he gets anywhere. I know he’s there. As if I could smell him from miles away. And it seems to be that way, somehow I feel his presence, I feel fine, I feel I’m home.

My heart beat goes faster again, and I can’t help pulling this unmanageable smile, those you can’t control and bite your lips so you can hide a bit how happy you are. This time, it is him. With his bag pack on one shoulder and a serious mood on his face. In the clouds as always, playing with his key chain. Turns towards me and sees me sitting by his door.

His face is lightened by the dim daylight, and perfectly framed. His pale skin glows with a strange feeling of porcelain, with funny remains of his incomplete shaving. His eyes glistening with the reflection of light are turned into hazel dreams, a fantastic glow. And in his lips there’s a deep feeling of strangeness, as well as his eyebrows, which play to see which of them can twist the most.

-What are you doing here? - He asks with worried interest. - Why weren’t you at school today?

I smile, as I admire every detail that surrounds him. I sigh as I look him in the eyes, and answer. –I wasn’t feeling quite well, that’s why, and… what am I doing here?- I giggle a bit as if I didn’t knew as well the reason of me being there. – I wanted to see you…

He sits by my side and starts to attack me with questions, like “Why if you were feeling bad, did you come here? Are you feeling fine? Do you need anything? Do you want to talk about something?” To which I can only answer with a smile. I like it when he worries about me, I feel rather special in a way I cannot explain with words. – Yes… we need to talk – I finally whisper.

There’s this awkward silence, for we both know what is it what we need to talk about. There’s always this silence when it comes to our conversations, and it’s always the same solution. Either he asks something, or I begin to talk, so I decide to talk first.

- I want you to give me a chance. I know you’re with someone. And I must respect this, for him, for you, and above all, for myself. After all, who am I to stop you making whatever you want? Still, I want you to give me this one chance to prove you how much I want to be with you, how much I need you. How much I love you. I know it’s not easy, but I know I deserve this. The opportunity of being happy, just for one day. I’ll need no more.-

In his face, I can see a trace of guilt, and in his eyes a ghost grows, of something I dare to call tears. –I’m sorry- he says, as I hug him –I have nothing to forgive you, and it’s not your fault I’m still in love with you, and that I think I have some right over you, beyond our friendship.- I take his face with my hands and caress his unshaved cheek with my thumbs. And I had not noticed my eyes were setting free two enormous tear drops that run all over my face until they reached their end in the floor. I feel his breath getting closer and closer. The next moment I have his lips touching mine, and they melt as butter in a hot pan.

My heart beats as if it wanted to set free from my body as monkeys do brutally from their cages and in my stomach the feeling of being the bearer of a million caterpillars in their pupa stage for a long time and in that moment they had completed their metamorphosis. A sea of butterflies wanting to set free from their cage made out of flesh and bone. The world stops, and it’s just the two of us, a unit.

He stands up and opens the door of his apartment; he invites me in with the gesture of his hand. Everything seems as a slow motion scene. I can listen to each and every one of his breaths; feel every one of his heartbeats. He leaves everything he carries on the table and slowly turns towards me. Comes forward and takes my waist with his warm hands. The monkeys in my heart and the sea of butterflies don’t stop. One more kiss.

He takes my hand and takes me across the hall. I can see, reflected in a gigantic mirror, the image of what I always had dreamt. In his room I grab his arms and I kiss him. I swear I can hear a choir of perfect voices in my head. I’m no longer cold, I’m no longer lonely, and I’m no longer empty.

He takes the jacket I’m wearing, and slowly gets me rid of it. The rest is a utopian harmony of our bodies, our actions, our sighs, our hearts, and our souls.

It goes dark, and under the sheets he whispers in my ear. – I love you- Is in that moment that I realize I am the happiest being in the whole world. I have everything, and it’s perfect. He surrounds me with his arms and we fall under the spell of the moon light.

Later, the daylight starts to get in the room. I wake up and he’s there, by my side. I smile as I had never smiled before. I get up and stare at his sleep. The light covers his skin as if the rays were hugging him with jealousy.

His phone rings. Wakes up little by little. Doesn’t notice me and takes his mobile. Answers.

-Good morning. – Says a voice in the receiver.

- Who’s this? – He answers.

- We are ***’s parents. - They are my parents calling him. – We just wanted you to know that… He passed away yesterday morning, being his friend; we thought you had to know. There is not going to be any formal funeral, he didn’t like them, you see? But we will have his remains in the house for this day. We know he would’ve liked you to be here beside him…

He goes speechless and looks for me by sight. Sees the empty bed and sits on it. He can no longer see me, or hear me, but I hug him and ask him for forgiveness. Crying he raises his head, as if he would have listened to me. I whisper to him one last time – I love you, and I will never forget you.-

I can see no light, nor a path to follow. Everything vanishes in front of me, as the ink of a love letter no one cared to read laying in the rain. In the darkness I shall wait until someone calls my name, and takes my hand.